I made music last night for the first time in almost a week. It felt absolutely amazing. I can't even describe how much pleasure I get from playing. I slowly construct these energetic spaces and that weave in and out of my own energy body. I feel my entire body fill with energy. The switch of the kick tied to something deep and primal within. I push the resonance and overtones on the lead and I feel vibrations coursing like electricity down my finger.
I particularly like this one. The percussive resonant filter ay 4:46. The settling into a sort of refrain around 9 minutes gives me absolute chills listening back. I would love nothing more than to play this on a giant and well-tuned system. Either live or just played back.
Why hadn't I been making music everyday? Part of it is my excitement and engagement with The Outwork Accelerator. But another part is the continued distrust I have of something that is so deeply important to me. I have deep fears of abandonment. Of the moment when things are going well to simultaneously be the moment when everything is about to secretly (or explosively) unravel and turn to ash around me. I listen to this music and it scares me. I feel it so deeply. I look at my synthesizer and the level of fulfillment that I hope it can give seems impossible. I begin to doubt it. With every day away, I doubt it a little more. Perhaps it was a dream? Perhaps I won't be able to find the sounds I love this time. But maybe I don't have enough time today. So I'll make sure I have enough time to actually get there. I'll leave a few hours.
In the end, the only solution is just to sit down. The voices are all just voices. I acknowledge their presence. They do not serve me. But they can inform my understanding of my own resistance.
Most importantly I am learning that I can choose to normalize the practice or the fear. Committing to a daily practice isn't about needing to ship something to the world everyday. It's about creating structures that remind me where my priorities are. That help me remember what brings me joy and sets my soul on fire. I recommit to my practice. And I must continue to do so - everyday.
When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.