Brene Brown says that vulnerability is hard, but I'm finding that not being vulnerable is much harder. Trying to put on a face, whether to my lover, my friends, my clients, or most importantly, to myself, is absolutely the most exhausting and soul draining thing I can do. And yet I find myself slipping back into patterns of perfectionism. I'll disguise it to myself of wanting to be of service to others by presenting something that is well formed and valuable.
Since starting The Outwork two months ago, I've been fighting back and forth with this. The most ironic part is that each of the current members that I seek to serve have been constantly open about wanting to help and contribute to the direction. Yet I still want to present something that is well formed. What do I even mean by that?
Wanting to present something well formed stems from a desire to want to be in control, to solve for all the variables so that things don't go wrong.
But what's hardest is keeping down the emotions under all this. The fear of success. The triggers caused by things going well. The urge to retreat before I watch things turn to ash around me.
And yet when we speak our shames they are transformed. Rather than a beast hiding in the darkness of unknown size, they tend to look more more human and manageable in the middle of the room, especially when someone else laughs ands tells us they hid the same thing in their closet for so long.