Had my first real day of work today at my new programming contract. Two years ago I was swearing in all the languages at my disposal that I’d never write another line of code for money. That I’d make my art work or else.

It’s bizarre, half my old company is there. I feel like I hallucinated the last 6 years. I’m afraid I did sometimes, or that this is me slipping backwards towards a life where I had far less agency, self knowledge, and understanding.

But it’s not. Despite my continual efforts to find reasons that things are not ok, they are. I have the choice to tell better stories about my life, to choose a different narrative, one where I’m moving forward towards my dreams and using all the tools I have to create the life I desire.

I’m not stuck here, I choose this. To work to enable other parts of my life.

But most of all, I choose humility. To accept that I’m not there yet, and that the only there there ever is is right now, so I’d better get busy making peace with it, because I’ll always be able to find fault if that’s what I’m looking for.

I choose acceptance, and right under that, an ever blooming joy.