I haven’t been posting. It’s been almost a week on my daily newsletter.

I have been sick, physically; a cold deeply aggravating my post covid asthma. But also emotionally, I’ve been feeling really aimless. In the liminal space between the last outworkshop ending. Balking at pulling the trigger on the next. Balking at releasing the album which now sounds old.

Posting without community to receive my posts feels so hollow, like yelling into a void. But I’m also feeling the desire to draw inwards and make work just for myself. And when I do that, I consistently want to share the results. It’s a paradox. To constantly convince myself I don’t need to share, to create for me, and then I do share, and start feeling like I should share, turns to must share, and then I don’t want to create.

I started a programming contract last week, and I’m grateful for the soon to be financial stability and the pressure taken off my art, but also apprehensive that I’ll lose steam (I feel I’ve already lost it) and focus.

I had so much power and momentum a few months ago. What happened to it? My inspiration was soaring, I was leading myself and others.

Part of me started performing and then I felt vulnerable and scared. I have a pattern of turning away from projects that are successful. I feel exposed. I feel I’m doing this both with my music and with the outwork.

Idk, writing another daily blog just seems so meaningless these days. I’m struggling to maintain the practice. I don’t do well without vision and projects. And right now I have too many projects all hanging in liminal space.

I did make music today. I’m starting to feel better physically. I am starting to feel the pull of my projects, or the edges of them at least. Participation is needed.