I feel really heavy. I'm sitting in the contrast of conflicting emotions and processes. In liminal space, the space of change, of ritual, of movement. Between a pending divorce and my memories. Between choosing myself and my work and my deep love for my partner. Between my music and The Outwork. Between the two poles of my mania and my depression. Between my vision and my body in the present. Between my dysphoria and my love for myself and my body. Between the person I still sometimes am and the person I will be. Between my incredible excitement for the future and my traumas and past.

None of these are oppositions. The liminal spaces are invitation to sit in conflict. The only way out is through. The pace is my own. The most important thing I urge myself to remember is that the choice to experience my life and its joys is my own. To choose to see the sunlight and the trees, regardless of the rain.

As She is my Witness
I shall not want
Though I walk
In the valley of
The Shadow of Death
I fear no evil
For all I touch I change
And all I touch changes me
– Kai Cheng Thom

When I allow myself to be changed, I remember that the weight isn’t mine to carry.

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
– Pierre Teilhard de Chardin