I'm physically exhausted again today with long term COVID symptoms that continue to flair after my vaccine.
But often the most crippling symptom is the one that arises quickly after I'm unable to do exactly what I'd like to be able to. When I'm not able to build the vision at this very moment. When I'm not able to see the towers in the sky of my mind with perfect clarity. When I'm not watching the power of creative action flow from my finger tips.
And that's the guilt. The shame and the self-doubt. Was it all a dream?
The practice is coming back to where I'm at and just noticing where that is. Remembering that finding center within the pendulum isn't done without swings.
The antidote to shame is to speak it. The person not only most able, but actually the only person qualified, to fill the holes inside my heart is myself.
I have been watching the way I reach for external validation. Asking for what it is that I reach? When I know the work is good. When I know the others love me. When I know. When I always already know.
There, there darling. Damsel in my own dark. I am my first and last lover. I have the power to give myself the world. To be proud. To forgive. To love.
I am the one I seek.